Whom are you looking for? ~reflex on John 20:11-18
The first words of Jesus in the Gospel of John (to John himself and to Andrew) are, “What are you looking for?” Here, at the end of the Gospel, he is still asking the same basic question: “Whom are you looking for?” Because seekers find, but only if we are open to the fullness of truth, only if we are willing to let go of our preconceived notions, our own agendas, our own selfward desires. In the hidden depths of our hearts and minds, we determine the direction of our lives by deciding what we will seek. Jesus knows this, and so he often gives us the opportunity to check ourselves: “What do you want?” “Do you want to be healed?” “Why are you weeping?”
If we truly want to see, to be whole, to receive the fullness of grace that he came to give us, we will do what is necessary, even if it is difficult, to receive it – we will climb a tree to see him, like Zacchaeus; we will call out to him incessantly like Bartimaeus; we will fall down before him like the centurion, to ask for healing for another; we will take a risk and fight through the crowd to touch the hem of his garment, in faith, like the woman who had spent all she had trying to be made clean. And like Mary Magdalen in the garden, we will weep and seek, in spite of the risk.
But if our faith is weak, we will not take these risks. If we do not trust him fully, we will fail to see the mighty work of his love in our lives. If we are not open to the surprise of grace, we will allow ourselves to doubt and be disappointed when our prayers are not answered in precisely the way we wanted. Rather than accept that we are not ready to receive everything immediately, or that what we want is not what is best for us, we will be tempted to think that the Lord has abandoned us, and we will not see him as he gives himself to us. He is always giving himself to us, but like Mary in the garden, who is looking for a dead body in the last place she saw it, we might mistake his living Presence for a gardener.
As we rejoice in the light of Christ’s Resurrection, let us also ask for the grace to keep searching our own hearts for any obstacles to grace that remain there. As we move closer to the Eighth Day, Divine Mercy Sunday, let us ask for the light to know his love and mercy in our lives, to receive and accept his forgiveness, and to allow ourselves to be loved by him as he wills. Then, in trust and love, we will be able to say, “I have seen the Lord,” and bring his healing light to others.